Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The Results Are In

Thank you to all who voted. An estimated 0.0000000002% of all eligible Internet voters turned out, and, like most good midwestern elections, several of them voted more than once. The tally is as follows: everybody wins!

The suggestions ranged from penises to cornholes, as one would expect here on the internets--nothing but people surfing around looking for pictures of nekked goats. But, as usual, I digress.

I have decided to institute a system of code names, through which you, the reader, can judge my mental state. A sort of "terror alert" for the author's emotional connection to his new home.

When attitudes are generally positive (or, since we don't want to set expectations too high, when they are generally neutral or above), we shall refer to home as "Cornopolis."

When attitudes are less positive, say a medium dull ache just behind the eye, we shall refer to home as "Nader."

When things are just not going well at all, when experiencing nausea and hyperventilating, we shall refer to home as "Insert Incomprehensible Symbol Here" (a revised version of The Town Formerly Known as Lancaster).

When it looks like we won't be able to stand another second in this bastion of Conservativism, where it is now remarkable that less than 40% of the state rates the Chief Nincompoop as "positive," we shall refer to home as "PoP" (which stands for Phallus of the Plains).

To review:

Alert Level / Code Name

Low / Cornopolis

Medium / Nader

Elevated / Insert imcomprehensible symbol here

High / PoP

Of course, I reserve the right to change this whole scheme at any time. Today, by the way, I am feeling kind of Nader.

PS--Anybody looking to make a road trip: Centro-matic plays Nader on August 10. I know they play KC later this month, but, I'm not in KC.


Anonymous said...

Very clever, creative, and entertaining! All with a touch of drama and suspense. Just the way an election should be.

I have only one concern about your proposed system.

As you surely know as I do, it has been indisputably established that an alert system is a highly-complex process - grounded in objective, established criteria based on quantifiable data; and exceptional in conveying a specific, clearly-understood, uniform meaning to the masses. How will such a specialized, sophisticated tool ever apply to something as subjective as our author's particular mood? And how will we, the readers, know what we should do to act? Forgive me, but the alert system I'm familiar with provides all these things - and more! - so I fail to see how you can use such a fine instrument to denote a crude mood state and also not tell us sheep exactly what we should be doing.

I'm in terror: Alert me and tell me what to do! When it's cornholio, what should I do? And when it's penis time, do I need to arrive at the gate two hours earlier or what?

I think your system is promising once you tease out the kinks.


Anon AMVB, she could not resist it

And on that note, happy 4th everyone!

Boring Election said...

Keep up the concert updates. Coach B and I have been known to drive to odd places for the right show. (Then again, that's before he'd sown seeds aplenty.)

But hey, I'm a free bird.

comoprozac said...

I'm glad to see that so many of my suggestions made the Cornopolis alert system...of course like 3 people voted.