I Can't Sit Idly By While Things Like This Go On

In honor of last Thursday’s discovery of a new species of monkey in central Africa, Paste magazine ran a “List of the Day” on “The 15 Best Monkeys in Pop Culture.” I consider myself a bit of an expert on monkeys of a certain kind, so I found myself highly interested in this particular list. Needless to say, perhaps, being a difficult-to-please critic of all things primate, I was not impressed.  Even given Paste’s disclaimer that they were “using the term ‘monkey’ loosely—and frankly, incorrectly,” this mishmash of gorillas, apes, chimps, cartoons, video games, and Clint Eastwood is practically unforgivable.

The list starts out strongly enough, with Chim Chim of Speed Racer fame, claiming the number fifteen spot.  But, almost instantaneously, the critical reader asks, “What is the criteria, here?”  Is this merely a non-ranked list of “monkeys” that the author can remember (or remember hearing about)? Or was there some sort of criteria-referenced ranking done by the boys and girls at the office?  It is perplexing—perhaps even disturbing—to consider the apparent lack of obvious criteria as we move through this list.

To wit, number fourteen is the bone-throwing pre-hominid of 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Over Chim Chim?  Really?  I mean, if we are assessing the occupants of this list on their dramatic impact or symbolic significance, then, yes, Moon-Watcher beats Chim Chim, hauntingly-human-like-hands down.  However, if that were the criteria, Arthur C. Clarke’s cheeky little hairball would be much higher than fourteen. (Not to mention that Chim Chim would have to break the top ten…not really.)

Grape Ape occupies the thirteenth slot.  I can live with that, if it wasn’t so high.  Thirteen?  I don't get it.  It seems kind of arbitrary, really. Here, for me, is our number fifteen. Our big purple pal, who used cars for roller skates and tagged along with his friend Beagly Beagly, didn’t have a ton of staying power, social import, or symbolic significance.  One might even ask what Grapey is even doing on this list, but there he is.  And, as large as he is, there he will stay.

As we make our way into the top ten, however, my problems really begin, for there sits the finest secret agent chimp the world has ever seen.  Lancelot Link was the star of probably the most affecting and entertaining show that television will ever create.  A concoction of voiced-over chimpanzees acting out ridiculous espionage-based buffoonery and loosely connected musical numbers, Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp was a watershed event in my development—not that that is part of the criteria…at least I don’t think it is.  It certainly had, not simply for me, but for the world at large, a significant cultural impact. For that reason alone, Lancelot Link should occupy one of the top spots on this list.

Then, let’s look at number nine.  It is that video primate who made a mark on the eighties that was even deeper than the mark Lancey left on the seventies: Donkey Kong.  Who but this barrel rolling, girlfriend stealing, ladder-climbing villain, who made millions one quarter at a time, has been a more socially significant simian?  Who among us did not spent an inordinate amount of our young life in front of a video game at the corner pizza joint trying to get past that one level?  Or, for the younger among you, who has not spent time racing with that powerful DK spin off character, Mario. The effect of the Donkey Kong franchise is still being felt today, thirty years later.  What could be more significant than that? But, again, does significance have anything to do with this?  I suppose not.

After all, as we move deeper into the top ten, we find Clyde, the completely irrelevant orangutan of Every Which Way But Loose. I don’t get this one at all. Rumor has it that, since Clint’s chair monologue, Clyde has shunned his old pal.  That may be the best career move the old ape has ever made.    

Finally, I have two further concerns with this list.  First, and perhaps most troubling, Curious George is number five.  That’s right: NUMBER FIVE! WTF? He was a good little monkey and always very curious; he is an icon who has entertained generations of children.  And he gets beat out by the cast of Planet of the Apes? I mean: are you freaking kidding me?

But, to make matters worse, Marcel, Ross’ capuchin monkey from Friends, holds the number two slot.  All I can say is….  All I can say is…. I don’t know what to say.  This over-sexed little squirrel is ranked higher than Curious George?  I’m sorry, what? When was the last time anybody went to FAO Schwartz and paid an exorbitant amount for an over sized stuffed Marcel? The answer is never! 

Yet, this misguided, undefined list is out there, proudly displayed.  And, occupying the top spot, high above the mean streets of New York City, 1939, is the king of the beasts, the eighth wonder of the world, King Kong.  Disclaimer or not, couldn’t the number one spot at least be occupied by an actual monkey?  I give up.

The Late Night Wars

I am not a consistent watcher of late night TV. I am usually in bed by the time the late local news comes on, and if I do stay up to watch something on past 10pm, I am probably watching a sporting event or The Daily Show (and that not often). I used to be a Letterman devotee, back in the twentieth century, and I never liked Leno or Conan that much. Well, truth be told, I can stomach Conan in small bits, but I can't stand Leno. I don't know what it is about him, perhaps his too chummy persona or the fact that he kind of climbed over Letterman to get the Tonight Show job, but I have never liked him much.

So, I haven't really spent too much thought on the latest brouhaha involving Leno and his move back to his old time slot. It was a big story in the NY Times this morning. I read the story online, and was surprised to really find out what NBC seems to be doing to O'Brien. It seems like a pretty dirty deal, and Conan is not taking it lying down.

One more reason to dislike Leno: he's being treated somehow special by his employers. Maybe that is in their best economic interest, but it is still a poor way to treat another of their employees, namely Conan O'Brien. As a result, Conan grows in my estimation. Like Letterman when he was at his best, Conan is pissed off at his bosses and he doesn't seem to mind venting in front of his studio audience. Letterman was always hilarious when he was taking his network and their parent company down a peg. Okay, he was hilarious almost all the time, a while back, but that was a looooong while back, when I was still a junior...in HIGH SCHOOL (when we used to while away the lectures in chemistry by passing around silly, homemade Top Ten lists), but, I digress.

Which reminds me: have you seen that FedEx commercial where the boss takes Carl, the employee, on a presentation with him because somebody told the boss Carl was their "best presentation guy?" Come to find out, Carl was good at putting together the visuals for presentations, not giving the presentations. He sits there beside the boss, with a mustache and greasy, stringy gray hair. He stands up in his corduroy jacket, raises his hands and says to the clients, "Good morning...but, I digress." A hoot. You can see where that thought came from.

Anyway, to sum up: Leno still sucks. Conan getting snarky. Letterman sitting back and watching the fur fly. This boy still going to bed at 10pm.

Evidence to Support Saving the Monkeys (and A Small Bit of Bird Business)

Okay, so, I found a link to this on kottke.org: basically, photos of people doing stupid things. I post the link here for two reasons.

First, if you click on the link for photo #2, you discover this act of stupidity takes place in Hammond, IN, a little town just southeast of Chicago, IL, and formerly the home of Phil Smidt's, one of the best restaurants I have ever patronized. Unfortunately, they closed last October after almost 100 years of fried lake perch and frog legs. Sad. Otherwise, I would have recommended a visit. We're running out of time for road trips (but, we'll watch for railroad crossings, I promise)!

Second, and most importantly, these stupid people doing stupid things obviously support the worldwide halt to consumption of monkeys. These people obviously eat monkeys, and they are obviously stupid. How do I know they are stupid? Well, look at what they are doing (especially the ones with the extension cord in the pool): they are stupid. How do I know they eat monkeys? Well, here is where my expert training as a logician serves me best.

I do not eat monkeys. I am not in the pictures of people doing stupid things. The people in the pictures are doing stupid things, UNLIKE ME. The people in the pictures are unlike me, ERGO (how ya like that?) they do not NOT eat monkeys. Thus, they eat monkeys AND thus, eating monkeys (either) makes you stupid or is stupid.

Stop eating monkeys, stupid people!

On an unrelated note, check out Shearwater's Jonathan Meiburg in Scientific American. Isn't this why people want to be rock 'n' roll stars? To get into august publications like Scientific American?

Closing Time

With less than a week before we shut the door on 2007 and welcome 2008, the sense that one should evaluate the past year is strong. If this were not true, why else would we be inundated with "Top Ten" and "Best Of" and "Year in Review" lists during this run through the calendar?

I am no different. I would love to generate a list, if only to feel that I had done my part for posterity. Summing up our short time on earth is one of the ultimate needs of humankind. Leaving a record of our experience, of our existence. I mean, doesn't everyone need to know what I think is worthy after this latest lap around the sun?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Here's my problem, no matter what anyone thinks: after about two weeks (if I am lucky) time begins to swirl together for me. It's as if my brain pool's temporal capacity is fourteen days or so, and after that, minutes, hours, weeks, months just spill over the sides and run together on the cement floor of my horological chamber. As a result, my list of "Top Ten" political events of 2007 could include anything from Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's presidential candidacies to the Paris Peace Accords. My "Best Sports Moments" of 2007 could include anything from Missouri football's brief moment at #1 to Earl Morral's performance in leading the Baltimore Colts to victory in Super Bowl V. My "Best Movies" of 2007 might include Michael Clayton. It might include Michael Collins. You see where I am going with this, I am sure.

So, I will spare you my confused lists of our postmodern life in 2007. There are many places to go if you so desire to read such lists. You may go here. Or here. Or here. Or here. But you can't go here.

To appease those of you who simply can't get enough of the lists, here are my Top Ten Moments of My Own Personal Life (Which You May or May Not Be Able To Read And Say, "Hey, That Happened To Me, Too.") Which May or May Not Have Happened in 2007)).

10. The bemusing time I did that one thing that everybody laughed about the next day, but I couldn't remember doing it.

9. The hilarious time somebody said that one thing, but they meant something completely different, and it wound up changing the meaning of what they meant to something gross.

8. The mildly uncomfortable time that one girl asked me that weird personal question after I'd just met her, and I didn't want to be rude, so I kind of stammered some ridiculous answer.

7. The exhilarating, scary time those guys chased us down the alley because they thought I had made some obscene gesture at them, but, really, I wasn't even aware of their existence until they started chasing us down the alley.

6. The bizarre time we got that phone call at two in the morning, and the person on the other line was looking for that guy who used to live there, but he hadn't lived there for, like, three years, and the person on the other end of the line was sort of threatening the guy who didn't live there anymore, and I couldn't do anything but laugh.

5. The delightful time I woke up on that Spring morning and the sun was shining through the window, and it was warm on my face, and, for just a moment or two, I had no sense of needing to get anything done.

4. The wonderful time I lost that really important thing and thought I would be in really big trouble, until Monkey came in with it in her hand and said, "Is this what you were looking for?"

3. The troublesome night when I wound up walking home from the bar because somebody was being really weird, and I couldn't handle it.

2. The peaceful twilight I was wandering through the park and watching the bats fly around above my head in the darkening sky.

1. You know: the one time.