Friday, February 01, 2013

Time Gone By

In the last two weeks, I have neglected to address the following incomplete list of recognized special days: Measure Your Feet Day, Have Fun at Work Day, Yodel for Your Neighbors Day, and Thursday. Of these, one might consider Thursday the least special since it comes around at least once every week. That sort of thinking is short-sighted, however.

After all, while one can’t deny the allure of an entire day dedicated to the investigation of the length of one’s feet, how important is it? How special can it be? And, really, don’t you know how long your feet are every time you buy a pair of shoes? My feet are 10s. I suppose it would be interesting to known the length of one’s feet in inches or centimeters, but, then, why stop there? Why not use other, innovative units? Wouldn’t it be cool to know how long your feet are in chocolate chip cookies? My feet are 3 1/3 chocolate chip cookies long. Granted, this new measurement unit has not been standardized, so the US chocolate chip cookie (USCCC) may differ from the English chocolate chip cookie (UKCCC); however, once the CCC becomes popular enough, a highly distinguished board of mathematicians and measurers of all sorts might take up the cause of standardization. Until that time, we will just have to muddle through, considering the age old question: “How much cookie is in one cookie?” Were we to celebrate a day like Measure Your Feet in Odd Units Day, then Thursday might pale in comparison to such an honored twenty-four hours. But, we don’t. Alas.

Have Fun at Work Day, another special one that we missed, also seems tame when compared to the splendor that is Thursday. Doesn’t everyone have fun at work? Every day? I know I do. I can only hope that some folks out there are not in such miserable labor environments that they need a special day, and only one per year, on which they have fun by mandate. Where I work, when we are having fun, we call that day Thursday…or Wednesday…even Monday. Oddly, we never call it Tuesday, not because we don’t have fun on Tuesday (we have fun EVERY DAY)—there’s just something about Tuesday that pisses people off. I guess on Tuesday we have angry fun, like sarcasm.

Now Yodel for Your Neighbors Day gives Thursday a run for its money. It must be a truly special occasion to stand in the middle of one’s front yard and make rolling O’s as loud as one can, hoping to please the people that live closest to you. The key to making one’s yodeling as acceptable as possible to one’s neighbors—after all, it is a gift to and for your neighbors—is to pick the best time to do it. Remember, the best gift is an unexpected thing at an unexpected time. Right off the bat, you know your neighbors will not be expecting you to yodel for them. At least, they won’t be expecting that from most people. I neglected to consider that somewhere, someone is in the habit of yodeling…in public…regularly. More power to you, yodelers! However, I think I can say, with little doubt, that the majority of folks are not regular yodelers. So, an unexpected thing.

It would seem, on the face of it, that any time would be unexpected for something so rare as public yodeling, but, as with all things, there is an optimal time. After deliberative consideration, I have unscientifically determined that the most unexpected time for yodeling for you r neighbors is 3:17 in the morning. It is in that blank expanse of the clock when the night is ostensibly over for most sensible people, yet the morning has not come for the earliest risers. And seventeen past the hour is about the most unexpected part of any hour. Someone expecting something at three has lost that razor’s edge of perception that anticipation brings, and someone expecting something at 3:30 has not yet begun to scan the sensory waves for early warning.

But, even with all this, Yodel for Your Neighbors Day is no Thursday. It is only too bad that today is Friday. Today, we can only wait for the glory that is tomorrow. We all know what tomorrow is, don’t we?

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