Varmint Day

(The following is a republication (with some changes) of an earlier mass-mailing I made. It originally appeared in the ether in 2000.)

Happy Groundhog Day!

As you may or may not know, this day is my favorite of all the minor holidays. It has all the excitement of Be Kind to Boa Constrictors Day and all the natural awe and awareness of the oft-maligned Arbor Day (which has yet to recover from the damage done it by Charles Shulz almost thirty years ago). I love waking up at 5am and switching on CNN to watch the live coverage. I always wish I was there, stamping around in the nose-hair-freezing cold, my top hat screwed down over my stocking cap, taking nips from my Old-Grandad-laced hot chocolate, and hooting at the top of my skim-ice-coated lungs every time somebody says "Punxatawney Phil." What could be better?

However, while I was tapping away here in my rodent-worshipping bliss, I heard on the radio that the whole Punxatawney Phil fiasco is actually a conspiracy. The result of Phil's crack of dawn foray into the cold Pennsylvania air is pre-determined the night before by a bunch of stinking drunk Oddfellows or Optimists or Elks or some members of some banal secret society. Like the Electoral College. They short-circuit the awe and beauty of a natural Old World custom with a straw-poll vote, a wink and a nudge. Damn them. Damn them all! And the poor groundhog. They keep him locked up all year, feeding him table scraps and beer, and they don't even let him determine the outcome of the holiday he made famous through his own sweat and blood. Free Punxatawney Phil!

I was a bit broken up. I could barely continue. But, I am letting it go. Breathing in the goodness of the groundhog-scented air, and exhaling the cancerous hatred I have for Phil's captors. And even though I fill with bile every time I think of my man Phil, locked up in his cell, trading cigarettes for phone calls, I still feel the initial message of goodwill appropriate. Happy Groundhog Day! As God is my witness, I will not let them ruin my favorite minor holiday.