The Dream List

Back in high school, at the height of David Letterman's NBC days, my buddies and I would pass time in Biochem making Top Ten Lists about things. Since the end of the past year has come and gone, burying us in the usual list of Top whatevers, I thought I would add a new one. This is inspired by a recent Misra newsletter I received.

Top Ten Dreams I Never Had in 2005

10. Someone says to me, "You have a pimple on your ass." I wonder how he can know that. I look down and I am naked. I realize the person speaking to me is Ron Perlman. He is in full Beauty and the Beast costume. He takes my hand and stares into my eyes. Suddenly I am dressed in the KC Royals mascot costume, the buff lion in a Kansas City baseball uniform. Perlman is gone. The walls fall away, the sky is a deep purple, and a skunk walks slowly across the horizon.

9. I am in my old high school, but it doesn't really look like an accurate depiction of my old high school. It is dimly lit, and full of green, tropical plants. It is hot and humid, like the Yangtze Laundry on Harford Road. My biology teacher is in the hallway. She is wrapped in plastic sheeting, except for her head, and is crawling down the hallway like an inch worm, yelling, "I represent sexual repression! I represent sexual repression." The school nurse walks by. She puts her hand on my shoulder. "We'll always have Paris," she says to me.

8. Katie Holmes and I are walking through an arid, volcanic landsacpe. The ground heaves beneath our feet. She wears a wedding dress, I am dressed in full Stanley Livingston, jungle explorer, regalia (including pith helmet). "When is dinner?" she keeps asking. Tom Cruise jumps up on a sofa in the distance, yelling, "Dinner is served! Woohoo!" Oprah is beside me. "I wish he wouldn't jump on my new furniture," she says.

7. Fred Flintstone is flying in George Jetson's space car. His feet hang down. King Kong rips them off.

6. The dog and I are running. The dog asks, "When is dinner?" King Kong asks me not to jump on the furniture.

5. Playing basketball, the rim is one inch wide. The ball is twice its normal size. I try to jump up to shoot the ball, but I can't. Ron Perlman picks me up and I begin to float. The walls fall away, and I am a chipmunk (or a flying squirrel). Fred Flintstone runs me over in George Jetson's space car.

4. Six dogs are playing poker. The table is covered in black velvet. Elvis comes in from the kitchen with a tray of donuts. "I represent sexual repression," he says. The dogs eat him and leave me the donuts. I thank them and we settle down to a game of Go Fish.

3. The number three is huge and chasing me down a tree-lined dirt road at night. I meet a giant catfish. I give him a dried bean and he gives me a coke in an old green glass bottle. It becomes morning, and the catfish is suddenly beautiful. "You have a pimple on your ass," I tell him. He rips my legs off.

2. My torso, with arms attached, is sitting on my bedroom floor. My head is in bed. Fred Flintstone's legs are sitting in the corner. Monkey is in the kitchen making coffee. I know what is about to happen.

1. Ron Perlman and King Kong are playing tug-of-war with Fred Flintstone's legs. Katie Holmes is reading. Oprah has eaten Tom Cruise. We are in a hospital waiting room in Paris, but no one is speaking much French. A doctor comes in and asks, "Do you want pommes frites with that?" The catfish says, "Of course." The doctor turns to go. From Oprah's stomach we hear a muffled, "Hey, Doc, you have a pimple on your ass! Woohoo!" The doctor turns back. He is Matt Lauer, wearing the KC Royals mascot costume. He stares into Katie Holmes' eyes. "I love this woman!" he says. Katie continues to read. I see that she is reading 1001 Dreams: An Illustrated Guide to Dreams and Their Meanings. "This shit is whack!" she says. She rips Matt Lauer's legs off.