Wednesday, June 28, 2006

A Compendium of Randomness to Shock and Amaze

Well, everyone watched as she torched the university
With pan flares and rockets and fluids,
And it was widely reported that Catherine Dupree
Had sought some revenge for her faulty degree.

--Will Johnson, "Catherine Dupree"

Been on a Will Johnson kick the past few days. Don't know why.

The Texans were promised, but never delivered. The more I thought about them, the less I liked the way they fit into the narrative of "A Very Long Story," so, ultimately, I left them out. However, as a sneak preview of one of the special features that will be available on the DVD release of "A Very Long Story, The Musical Based on a True Story," here is the never-before-seen-treatment of the Texans.

The Texans (A Very Long Story, Part Unpublished)

Upon our arrival at the Cove Farm Inn, a strange little man greeted us in the sitting room. A slowly dying fire struggled to keep up appearances in the large hearth as he approached us, his head cocked to one side like an uncomprehending dog.

"Hello." His greeting was firm. He seemed comfortable in his surroundings.

Could this be MuffinMan's caretaker?

From behind us, through the kitchen, a child approached, shuffling her feet. Thin, scraggly curls shook on her head. She held a blue toothbrush to her chest like a shield. As she neared, it was clear to me that this was a woman, not a child, perhaps anywhere from 28 to 45. But so small. I half expected her to put on a curly-peaked cap, take first position, and begin singing in a scratchy falsetto, "We represent The Lullaby League."

"Um, yeah. Where's MuffinMan?" Obviously, Monkey did not ask for MuffinMan, but, I need to be consistent here.

"He's down at the house." Which was about forty yards across a sopping wet field.

"I'm George."

"Yeah, hi."

We left our bags and went to get MuffinMan.

Did you ever meet one of those people who, from the second you laid eyes on him or her, you were sure that something was just not right about him or her? Monkey and I had just met two.

They were guests at the inn, like us. They were married, like us. But, that's where the similarities ended. They were from Texas (as was previously reported). We ate breakfast with them four days in a row. They had two tow-headed kids, who, really, have absolute no chance to live a normal life. Oh, the wicked curse of odd parents.

They forgot maps, they got lost, they misremembered directions, she was too short to reach the rungs on a ladder trail. One of the boys kept playing some annoying handheld video game while MuffinMan was trying to explain something one morning. I was about this close from snatching the thing right out of the kid's hand and yelling, "Knock it off, Freakchild!" But, I was cool.

One morning, Monkey and I tried to break into their rental car's trunk. We were convinced there was a body in there, be it man or beast. They just struck us as your typical body-carting family, you know.

I don't think being from Texas had anything to do with it.

This is my 100th post. I imagine that this has no significance whatsoever.

Worked on updating my resume, today. Monkey and I are heading up to Lincoln, NE, for the weekend. I am meeting the English department head from one of the high schools up there on Friday. It's not really a job interview, but I thought it would be best to have a resume on hand, in case she asks for one. As a matter of fact, I am going to make her take one, whether she asks for one or not!

Whistle pig status: no recent sightings. Did the close brush with dog jaws scare him/her off? Don't know, but I have seen a smaller marmot hanging out by the bridge around the corner. Relatives? Our resident groundhog in disguise? No idea, but the fact is, I have seen no large, slow mammals in my backyard since the day before yesterday.

Due to the travelling, don't expect to hear from me until Sunday night at the latest.


Magz said...

Your post has made me scrutinize whether I too might be an odd parent. I am shuddering just thinking about it.

No....I am NOT an odd parent....definitely not. **shaking my head**

Of course, whether I actually am or not will only be revealed in due course, probably by one of my charming daughters in about 10 years. Or maybe by a cool couple who I meet on holiday one day who aren't as polite as you and Monkey. :)

Anyway...fare thee well on your trip to NE and good luck with the English department. I'm sure they'll love your resume :) Would you believe I have decided to do another BSc (this time in English Language and Literature) with the hope of moving on to a PhD so I can teach in a university somewhere. If I don't make it to the PhD, I'll go the high school teaching route and will pick your brains about it more than you ever wanted. (Wouldn't Ms Parker be proud?)

Time to get back to my ethical gourmet chocolates :) Talk soon.

Anonymous said...

Freakydeaky, yo!

So what is this, some kind of suspense blog? Did you find a body in the trunk or what?!

Safe travels and well-wishes as you journey to and from Lincoln. I hope your visit is a good one and that job prospects are promising.