Monday, September 08, 2008

Sports Conspiracy Theories

According to ESPN, Patriots (I hatriot the Patriots) quarterback Tom Brady will undergo season-ending surgery after a low tackle by Kansas City's Bernard Pollard tore Brady's knee ligaments in the early going of Sunday's game in Foxboro. This is bad news for Patriots (I hatriot the Patriots) fans. But, hope is still alive.

Before I continue, a disclaimer: if you haven't figured it out yet, I am NOT a fan of the New England Patriots. I have loathed them since Steve Grogan retired. After that, they provoked my further ire when they changed their uniforms from the AFL beauty of red, white, and blue to the current (and inexplicable) blue, red, SILVER, and white. What is that, some nod to Paul Revere (he was a silversmith)? At the same time, they ditched the straightforward, totally bad-ass Pat Patriot logo on the side of their white helmets for the "modern," streaking colonial head on the sparkly SILVER (again!) helmet. Unbelievable.

Granted, having never lived anywhere near New England, I was never a huge fan of the Pats, but, after they defiled what I thought was one of the more classic uniforms of the former AFL, my attitude turned to one of outright loathing. And then, along came Tom Brady.

A great quarterback? No doubt, but his pretty boy looks, his reincarnation-of-Broadway-Joe-Namath lifestyle, his willy-nilly impregnation of super models, and his employment by the Patriots all add up to my negative attitude toward him.

That being said, I wish him no ill will. I am sorry to see any athlete get injured. Well, except Albert Belle, but that's a story for a different time. However, I don't think we have to worry a whit, or shed one tear for Golden Tom or his SILVER (I still don't get it) Patriots. For Bill "Snidely Whiplash" Belichick clearly has an ace up his sleeve.

His announcement that Brady is done for the year rings untrue to me. After all, this guy is known to put his whole team in the "Questionable" column of the required weekly injury report. Add to that some potential cheating here and there, and I smell a conspiracy.

At halftime of this Sunday's game, with the Brett Favre-led J-E-T-S JETSJETSJETS! (and we won't even begin to address that circus) up on the SILVER (why?) Patriots 17-3, Brady will jog onto the field and eventually lead his team to a rousing victory with a last second forty-yard pass to Randy Moss. The media will go wild! Front-runners everywhere will rejoice at the return of the cover-model quarterback! And Belichick and the rest of his loathsome SILVER (I'm shrugging over here)-clad minions will snigger in their locker room, as they show the world once again that they are calling the shots.

Mark my words, man. It's gonna happen.

2 comments:

comoprozac said...

All I have to say is that your link to the old Patriots uni is at Art.com. Nuff said.

La Fashionista said...

I'm so glad to have found your latest post when I just can't sleep here in the wee hours. I'm glad to have this to read. Thanks!

I've never followed pro football too closely, so I don't have well-formulated opinions on most things. But that doesn't stop me from having some sort of opinions/reactions.

First, the logo issue. I never knew about your great distaste for silver. Good to know. Also, in a time when many people have been (in my opinion, rightfully) decrying the use of logos and mascots depicting people of various races and ethnicities, it is interesting to see a relatively new logo of essentially Biff Caucasian - who also happens to be portrayed as the quintessential US patriot. Interesting. Not necessarily good.

On the flip side, I found this article on a likable athlete that may offer some complement to what you've written. This also helped me realize one reason I may have moved away from watching sports, since by this article's calculation I'm apparently approaching my mid-70's (the age, not the era).

Another mix of sports-related likable and unlikable: My friend Jeff Pearlman
(likable) is releasing what sounds like an interesting biography of the Dallas Cowboys of the 1990s (unlikable) next week. In fact, this past Sunday morning he was on ESPN’s “Outside the Lines” - something he's written about on his blog. It was not a particularly great showing for Jeff, but Emmitt Smith (unlikable) really took a cheap shot. I was glad to read Jeff's backstory on his blog, which also includes the youtube segment of the show.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with Jeff's writing, but I thought you might appreciate his work.

Anon AMVB