Science is Fun!

Recent discoveries have shed new light on the origins of “humans” who settled the Americas. A skeleton believed to be more than 13,000 years old was found, along with three others, in an underwater cave off the western coast of Mexico. The discovery is sending archaeologists back to the drawing board, trying to develop a new theory of how the North and South American continents were settled. Now-rickety theories once included the belief that humans from northern Asia crossed a temporary land bridge across the Bering Sea. However, the age and location of these remains, the shape of the ancient skull, and the presence of fish-like appendages on the skeletons now lead scientists to believe that the Americas were populated by creatures similar to that found in the Black Lagoon, who crossed under the sea on a long, arduous journey that began somewhere near what is now Java. The aquatic humanoids island hopped their way across the South Pacific, eventually landing near Cancun, where they immediately began work on a resort hotel.

In related news, fossils of Siberian wooly mammoths have been found to possess strong genetic links to North American wooly mammoths. Wooly mammoth scientists now suggest that the mammoths originated in North America and crossed over to Siberia via the aforementioned land bridge. Such evidence clearly supports the new theory that the Americas was not populated by humans who crossed over the land bridge, since, I imagine, they would have been trampled by the herds of, well, mammoth wooly mammoths coming the other way. Or, were they not trampled, they most surely would have been gored by the mammoths' extremely long tusks. Most importantly, however, this new discovery demonstrates population dynamics in action, since, about 3,000 years after the arrival of the carnivorous, resort-building aquatic humanoids in the Americas, wooly mammoths began evacuating the North American continent in droves.

It is obvious to this amateur scientist that the mammoths were driven off the continent by one of two factors. Either the aquatic humanoids pursued the mammoths for meat to the point where the creatures had no choice but to leave, or the resorts that the humanoids were building began to encroach on the mammoths' natural habitat, and they were forced to seek out new wind-whipped, snow-covered, blizzard-ravaged lands.

One other ancient question that these new discoveries answer: what happened to the land bridge? Most likely, the sheer weight of all those mammoths caused the land bridge to slowly sink into the cold Bering Sea, probably taking thousands of mammoths with them, but leaving huge deposits of petroleum that the Republicans would love to drill, baby, drill.