Thursday, December 13, 2007

Mitchell Report Implicates Jesus!

As I drove home from work this evening, a litany of names was being read on the radio. I recognized most of them as Major League baseball players. I soon found out that they had all been named in a report on the investigations of steroid use in baseball. However, sandwiched in between Jack Cust and Tim Laker, I undeniably heard one other name. I, like Captain Renault in Casablanca, was shocked!

It was a long list, containing such luminaries as Andy Petitte, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Benito Santiago, and, yes, ladies and gentlemen, the son of God. Now, I am not surprised, nor disappointed in the baseball players, but Jesus? Come on.

In his defense, he is getting older. Maybe he's lost a step. Maybe he's not able to recover from injury as quickly as he used to when he ascended to heaven to sit at the right hand of the Lord 2000 years ago. It's hard nowadays, making a place for everybody, especially now that there are over six billion people on the planet. Of course, the godless bastards in other countries and even this God-fearing Christian nation who deny Christ, they don't need a room, but that still leaves quite a few jasper-walled rooms to be vacuumed and gold-posted beds to be turned down.

But, still, you like to see your trinity members working the cosmological action naturally. Who wants to hear that the Holy Ghost is juiced? Who wants to hear that God is popping bennies? I don't.

Honestly, I wish it was baseball season. I am so disappointed now, I am thinking of denying Christ...three times! And the only thing that will make me feel better is watching a baseball game. I hope there's one on ESPN Classic.

Tomorrow, we'll discuss the moral, ethical, and spiritual implications of Alex Rodriguez being paid $527 million over twenty years.


Bill said...

I actually think he was busted using human growth hormone and not steroids. Get your facts right, apostate!

P.S. Stopped to talk to a student I didn't know in the hall and he told me how much he missed his English teacher from last year. Said this teacher was one of his favorites ever. Yep, it was one ATR. Remember that next time you get Huskered!

La Fashionista said...

I just awoke from a long, really good and necessary nap, to read about this whole deal online. One of my first reactions was, "WWRD?" (What Would Reda Declare?). And and and and and then as I was telling P about the news article, the first thing he asked was about what keen response you may have posed on your blog.

Which led me here.

And as you may know, I do come here often.

That should tell you something about the central and standard role you play in the lives of members of this DC-area household. Indeed, I thought of your blog before, even, I wondered about what one of my other favorite people, Jeff Pearlman, (esteemed SI writer whom I've preferred to call "Jeffy" ever since our UD days together) would have to say about this. You, my brother, have the power and potential to become a Svenjolly!

And then, I arrive here to discover breaking news of the most spirited kind! Holy crap!

However, as much as I hate to question the cheerful mental hold you have on me, I think you may have the wrong guy. That security-camera picture you somehow obtained from your "sources" suggests that actually it may be that fair-skinned, blue-eyed man that somehow everyone around here thinks of as Jesus.

Hm, it's all very puzzling and compelling. The mystery continues.

Excellent cutting-edge blogging, my friend!


La Fashionista said...

This was one of my next stops:

Check it.


Jami said...


Are you all still planning on ringing in the New Year in Columbia?

If so, be sure and get your tickets to the New Year's Eve show. They are on sale on the Blue Note Ticketmaster Site. Joe seems to think they will sell out so you might want to act on that sooner than later.

Of course, we are excited about seeing our special little boy!


Larry said...

I'm tired of hearing about the whole steroid scandal.Go ahead and do the testing and just go by the results.-If Jesus was going to be accused of using something it would be HGH because of his remarkable recovery ability.