As Plain As The Nose On My Face

There has been a raging debate online over the past several years among the scientifically-minded. Both PhD’s and kitchen doctors around the globe have been weighing in on the age old question of whether or not our ears and nose grow as we age.  Everyone, from Arthur Perry, MD, blogging on The Doctor Oz Show’s website, to Philster and Master Wang-Ka, posting on The Straight Dope’s message board, has an opinion on this topic.

But opinions are not facts, and consensus is not truth. The only thing that can sway this debate, the only thing that can answer this primordial conundrum, is science. Perhaps we can look to studies by British physicians, or papers published by Japanese doctors, or investigations by German scientists, all cited in an April 25, 2011 article in the online edition of The Guardian (UK). Maybe we can consult the troublingly anonymous Medical FAQ website. As authoritative (or otherwise) as some of these sites may seem, their scientific reliability pales in comparison to the tried and true method of observation and comparative physiology known as looking in the mirror and comparing your face to your grandfather’s.

According to Krogh’s principle, somewhere in the world there is some animal upon which any problem that affects humans can be studied. Were this true, someone somewhere would be using National Institute of Health grant money to accurately measure the size of mouse and pig ears over an animal’s lifetime, or trying to grow a nose of immense size in a Petri dish.  (Wasn’t there some such scene in Woody Allen’s The Sleeper? A dream sequence with giant noses on legs?  Or am I imagining that? Digression!) There may very well be a poorly publicized slave of science toiling away at his ever-growing nose study, but, at the present, we have no information to prove it. And so, we are left only with the tools of science at our disposal, our eyes, our memory, a poorly-lit mirror, and our slowly expanding facial characteristics.

For we stood before the mirror this week and were struck by the ridiculous size of our own ears. In a slight panic, we looked to our nose and noticed that perhaps it is growing a bit more bulbous. We scoured our memory for that face, that face of our grandfather, a man born in America of Polish immigrant parents.  We are aware of the fate of the Polish men (and not a few of the women) in our family. First, they are born with feet wider than any human should have.  And, as time goes on, the feet widen.  Next, the ears and nose grow in length. The cartilage continues to grow, and, in the case of the ear lobes, gravity plays one of its crueler tricks. The lobes seem to drip down toward the ground, pendulous flaps of opaque skin, swinging unattractively in the breeze.

It is unmistakable that this is indeed happening to me. As a matter of fact, if one observes the following artist’s renditions, one can plainly see the growth in both the nose and the ears on my face.

Here is a pretty accurate crayon on napkin sketch of me as a young child. Note the relatively small facial features.

Here is a current depiction of my features in the same media. Note the marked change in the size of certain aspects.

Thus, as we used to say in Geometry class, “QED, bitch!” It is proven. The nose and ears do grow throughout life. I am proud to have committed myself once again to the scientific method. It is an honor to have sacrificed so much in the way of dignity in my search for the truth.

And, Doctor Oz, if you ever need a blogger on your highly regarded scientific website, I am your man!

Better Living Through Science

Wednesday, January 9, is National Static Electricity Day. In my research for this shocking day (glad I got that one out of the way so early), I stumbled upon the Altius Directory, which, as best I can tell, is a business service that checks the Internet for information about your business, or it sells domain names, or it posts articles about little known calendar events like National Static Electricity Day. However, after reading Altius’ posting on “National Static Electricity Day,” I knew less about static electricity than I had before I read it. A sampling of the highly entertaining article reads:

Many of us would have experienced, when we suddenly touch any metal, we experience a sudden static or shock. Sometimes as soon as we take off our hat, our hair stands straight. This especially happens in winters. Therefore, the sudden shock and the hair standing out is a result of static electricity. To know a little more about it we should be aware of a few things around us.

As we all know that everything that surrounds us is made of atom. According to scientists there are 115 pieces of atoms; therefore everything is made of atoms. (“National Static Electricity Day”)

I suspect that the author of this article is not a native English speaker. Regardless, it is abundantly clear that he/she is not a scientist.

So, what is static electricity, beside the reason for winter-time hat hair? As we all remember from primary school science, static electricity is an action that takes place at an atomic-particle level, and, as we all know from reading Altius’ website, everything is made of the 115 pieces of atoms. So, when you walk across the carpet in your socks, you gather up some atoms’ electrons on your feet. When you reach out to turn on your stereo, the negative charged electrons attract positively charged particles from the stereo (made of atom!), causing the arc that you can sometimes see, and also causing the short circuiting of your stereo because it is plugged into a non-grounded outlet. What, that doesn’t happen to you? Oh…lucky.

Most people don’t know this, but Wint-O-Green LifeSavers also produce static electricity. When you bite this particular flavor of ring-shaped mint, sparks do fly. You might not be able to see it, but it happens…particularly in the dark. This is generally believed to be caused by the mints being rubbed on a balloon before being packaged. Each ring is packed with electrons, which are discharged when they come in close contact with human teeth, which everyone knows are positively charged. It is scientifically accepted that excessive consumption of Wint-O-Green LifeSavers can force so much electrical force on the teeth that they are jarred in their sockets. Young children who eat too many LifeSavers nearly always need braces later in life.

Static electricity has also been blamed for other, more singular, disasters. It is an unconfirmed possibility that static electricity was responsible for the explosion and burning of the German airship LZ129-Hindenburg in 1936. Because the far safer gas, helium, was rare and difficult to obtain (as all Nebraska football fans know), the German designers of the Hindenburg designed it to utilize hydrogen, which is highly flammable, and in a great enough concentration and pressure can result in a giant star not unlike our Sun. Ironically, had the Germans used helium, rubbing the outside of the airship vigorously would have resulted in it sticking comically to the side of the Empire State Building, but, alas, such a scene was not possible.

So, today, eighty-three years after a tragic disaster caused by atoms, we have a day during which we, as a nation, are asked to take a moment to recognize the awesome power of “the sudden shock and the hair standing out.” After all, without static electricity, brothers and sisters the world over would have had one fewer way to torment their siblings.

God bless the atom, and God bless America!

A Rose by Any Other Name

"Chiara," according to everyone's favorite fact checking site, Wikipedia, is an Italian word meaning "clear."  There are several people with this word as a first or last name, and "Chiara" even forms a morpheme of the Italian surname Chiaramonte, a noble Sicilian family who claim descent from Charlemagne.

I tell you all this because a pair of encounters with said word in this morning's Lincoln Journal Star sent me a-searching for some information on this word.  The two usages, both as proper nouns, referred to apparently different things, and, I was certain, different ideas, and, being the curious life-long learner that I am (and having the power of the Interwebs at my fingertips), I did a little researching.

First, my initial encounters.  Ironically, perhaps, both of my encounters with the word occurred in the "fluff" section of the paper, "The (402)."  I believe I have mentioned this section before, so I will spare you my rail on that particular section's ridiculous name.  However, in the "At a Glance" feature, on page F2, where some events are listed and written about briefly, a headline reads: "Walk to conquer Chiara is at Holmes Lake Park."  The article explains that a fundraiser walk will be held "in an effort to bring awareness and funds to Chiara malformation."

The article further states that Chiara is "a neurological condition in which the brain descends out of the  skull and puts pressure on the spine." Really?  That actually happens to people? Their brains fall out of their skulls.  Why?  How?  It sounds like an awful condition.  Of course, it is, I thought to myself. Why else would they need to raise funds or awareness? Nobody would be interested in a Stubbed Toe 5K, would they?  Who would pay $25 to race in a Pretty Bad Stomach Flu Fun Run?  We only tie up our Mizunos for big causes, like cancer, muscular dystrophy, or chiara, to name just a few.

As I turned the page, I found on F4 a review of a recent chamber music performance: "Chiara members open Sheldon Friends season."  I have heard of this Chiara Quartet, two men and two women, who are well-known in the chamber music circles.  They have made many appearances here in the Lincoln area, always to great acclaim.  But this review, published so close to and on the same day as the fundraiser walk, stoked my inquisitiveness.  I needed to make sure that these chamber players weren't being highly insensitive, naming themselves after a neurological condition suffered by "about 300,000 people in the United States."

And, so, I was led to the Wikipedia, where I find listings for celebrities named Chiara, saints and singers, physicists and attorneys. I find the names of churches and a "religious complex" (don't you mean a "church?").  And, I find links to the aforementioned "Chiaramonte" and a pair of words that are homophones of "chiara," itself.  What I don't find is any mention of any neurological condition.  I had to search the Google a bit more to find any discussion of dropped brain syndrome (an alternate, totally rad, name I have given to the condition, myself), but I did find some information about the condition that affects more people in the US than live in Barbados.

(Interestingly, the website Researching Virtual Initiatives in Education, on their page "All Countries by Population," divides countries using "'scientific' nomenclature." For instance, a country with at least 1000 million people is a "kilostate;" a country with at least 0.3 million but less than 1 million is a "tridecistate" (also known as a minicountry); a country with less than 0.01 million people, a picocountry, is a "millistate." There are also "centistates" and "hectostates," orthocountries, nanocountries, and gigacountries.  Another bit of information learned on this random research project.)

But, back to "chiara."  I learned a lot in the several minutes I spent researching this little mystery, but I was left with a few questions. First, I wondered where the quartet came upon their name?  Is it a tribute to a person, or a place (most likely a church)?  I also wondered if they were even aware of their close association with a leaking skull?  But, more importantly, I wondered how, if the Chiara fundraising initiative was sophisticated enough to organize multiple events such as this weekend's 5K walk, they were unable to draft as valuable a PR tool as a Wikipedia page? Because, when you think about it, not everybody is going to be as dogged a researcher as I have been today.  If people don't get their wiki-fix on the first search, right at the top, they'll go right back to looking for topless pictures of Ryan (Hey, girl) Gosling.  And, if you're trying to drum up support for a disease or a condition, you have to do one of two things: make sure a lot of people suffer from it (i.e., cancer) or that a lot of people know about it (i.e., muscular dystrophy).

Finally, if I were in a string quartet, and I found out it was named after a neurological condition that can lead to deafness, dizziness, double vision, eye pain, headaches, and spasticity (I did not make this word up), I might just change my name to Cancer.

   

The Mathematics of Gremlins: A - A = 0; A - (-A) = 2A (where A = What the Hell Did I Do Today?)

Mr. Horrible? Mr. Horrible?
There's a phone call for Mr. Horrible.
--They Might Be Giants, "Someone Keeps Moving My Chair"

Did you ever have one of those days when you worked for ten hours or so, and, when you looked around at the end of the day, you seemed to have accomplished not one thing? That was my day. We start our second semester on Wednesday, so today was a workday. I had one section of finals left to grade, which I didn't even look at until I got home this evening (I just finished them), and I had planning to do for the upcoming term. But, honestly, the most obviously productive thing I did today was make coffee, and that was done by 7:45!

I guess I just chalk today up to one of those bizarre time warps, where things happen at a pace that seems normal to the person inside the time warp, but where things are actually happening at a much slower pace. However, if that were the case, and I were moving that slowly, I imagine that I would be really tired, right now. It's hard to move directly and slowly for an extended period of time (and I am talking about eight hours of almost perpetual movement (at least of the arms)). But, I am not tired...at least not overtired.

So, what is it? What happened today? Perhaps, as often happens on these "work days," a troupe of gremlins imperceptibly undid everything that I had done almost immediately after I had done it, today. That would leave me with a sense of doing something, but having nothing to show for it. Hmmmm...that MUST be it.

Unless you have any suggestions.

***Twilight Zone still from The Stygian Port

The Last Call in Lincoln

The end of an era drove Monkey and I to the state fair today. After Labor Day, the Nebraska State Fair is packing up and leaving its once "permanent" home in Lincoln and is travelling west a piece to Grand Island. So, we figured we'd best discover the glory of fried food on a stick Cornhusker style this year, since the odds of us making the multi-hour trip to GI next year is slim.

I spent many days as a youngster at the Maryland State Fair. Mostly working, but, sometimes, we got out to enjoy the sights and sounds. I particularly enjoyed the horse racing in Maryland.

During my years in Missouri, I only got over to Sedalia twice. I enjoyed Missouri's State Fair quite a bit. I especially enjoyed the dairy barn. Don't know why, I just did.

This year, Nebraska's fair was a real treat. Monkey and I treated ourselves to corndogs AND burgers, with Methodist pie for dessert (very good). We wandered into just about every building on the fairgrounds. I really had a great time checking out the award-winning vegetables, and I really liked the 4H building. Boy, those 4H kids must have a lot of fun, building rockets and doing applied science. It made me miss being a kid.

Monkey and I truly enjoyed the quilt display, also. The entire basketball arena was filled with quilts, award-winners and not. The diversity of them was amazing, and the craftsmanship was unbelievable.

I am glad we made the opportunity to head out to the fair. We probably won't see another state fair until we move...if we move.

Your Grid is Disorienting My Cow!

Check this out. Proving once again, that Germany and the Czech Republic are eons ahead of the US in the cow alignment sciences.

Europe's eye-opening study of the effect of power lines on cow alignment comes less than a year after their in-depth study of Google Earth proved this.

It's good to know Al Gore's Internets are being used for something worthwhile.

A Shock to the System

Reading the other day of the suicide of 46 year old writer David Foster Wallace took me aback. I've never read any of his novels (although Infinite Jest has been on my mental list for about eight years, now), but I remember being enamored with his essay "Consider the Lobster" when I read it in Gourmet in 2004. It was such a remarkably entertaining piece of writing. In 2005, I found his cover article in The Atlantic, "Host," about political talk radio. The article used footnotes in a visual way that was completely innovative. I began to realize that not only was this guy a good writer, but he was perhaps a writer of the best footnotes I had ever read. His short stories (the few I have read) are the same way, innovative in perspective, and containing some unexpected nuance that makes a reader appreciate not simply the joy of story, but the craft of writing.

And then, I read his book on the history of infinity, Everything and More. And I knew this was a brilliant human being. I had to put him on the side of the table with the other people smarter than me (more and more, this side of the table is growing...ah, for the ignorant cocksurety of youth!). And now, we'll get no more brilliance.

It is a tragedy when someone takes their life. It is a tragedy when a writer whom people admire departs this world. It is a tragedy of the highest order when someone so talented and so bright chooses to leave the rest of us behind.

Rest in peace, Mr. Wallace.

Science is Fun!

Recent discoveries have shed new light on the origins of “humans” who settled the Americas. A skeleton believed to be more than 13,000 years old was found, along with three others, in an underwater cave off the western coast of Mexico. The discovery is sending archaeologists back to the drawing board, trying to develop a new theory of how the North and South American continents were settled. Now-rickety theories once included the belief that humans from northern Asia crossed a temporary land bridge across the Bering Sea. However, the age and location of these remains, the shape of the ancient skull, and the presence of fish-like appendages on the skeletons now lead scientists to believe that the Americas were populated by creatures similar to that found in the Black Lagoon, who crossed under the sea on a long, arduous journey that began somewhere near what is now Java. The aquatic humanoids island hopped their way across the South Pacific, eventually landing near Cancun, where they immediately began work on a resort hotel.

In related news, fossils of Siberian wooly mammoths have been found to possess strong genetic links to North American wooly mammoths. Wooly mammoth scientists now suggest that the mammoths originated in North America and crossed over to Siberia via the aforementioned land bridge. Such evidence clearly supports the new theory that the Americas was not populated by humans who crossed over the land bridge, since, I imagine, they would have been trampled by the herds of, well, mammoth wooly mammoths coming the other way. Or, were they not trampled, they most surely would have been gored by the mammoths' extremely long tusks. Most importantly, however, this new discovery demonstrates population dynamics in action, since, about 3,000 years after the arrival of the carnivorous, resort-building aquatic humanoids in the Americas, wooly mammoths began evacuating the North American continent in droves.

It is obvious to this amateur scientist that the mammoths were driven off the continent by one of two factors. Either the aquatic humanoids pursued the mammoths for meat to the point where the creatures had no choice but to leave, or the resorts that the humanoids were building began to encroach on the mammoths' natural habitat, and they were forced to seek out new wind-whipped, snow-covered, blizzard-ravaged lands.

One other ancient question that these new discoveries answer: what happened to the land bridge? Most likely, the sheer weight of all those mammoths caused the land bridge to slowly sink into the cold Bering Sea, probably taking thousands of mammoths with them, but leaving huge deposits of petroleum that the Republicans would love to drill, baby, drill.